In Relationships When One Of You Wins Both Of You Lose

As we move towards Valentine’s Day it’s easy to get caught up in the moment, the thrill of new romance, the highs of love, the heat of passion, the thrill of the pursuit.

But what happens later, as you move deeper into the relationship, further into your connection? What happens as you begin to discover the “edges,” and the areas of disagreement and conflict?

And what if you’re at one of those edges now? What if Valentine’s Day is activating one of those areas of conflict? What then? What now?

There is a simple – though perhaps not easy – shift that can help you move through those edges. In my personal experience, and in my observations of clients and friends, when couples move close to that edge, that conflict space, the immediate, and mostly unconscious, reaction is one of defensiveness. Each person in the relationship wants to “protect their turf.” Each partner wants to “win” the battle.

But when one of you “wins” the battle that means the other loses. And if you keep focusing on winning those battles, there can be no winner in the war.

If one of you loses, you both lose.

And as strange as this sounds, if one of you wins, you both lose!

In any conflict or argument or difficult situation the key is not to win, it’s not about “being right” but rather about making it right!

Instead of defending your turf, can you share your turf?

Instead of winning at all costs, can you open up to hear what your partner needs to win?

There is a concept that says “Give to others that which you most want for yourself.” In other words, if you want more money, help others get more money. If you want more peace in your life, bring peace into the life of someone else. If you want more love in your life, share more of your love with others.

And when you find yourself in a place of conflict in your relationship and you feel the desire to “win” surging up inside you, remember that when you help another win, you win.

So in those moments, see if you can pause and ask yourself, “What can I do to help my partner win in this situation?”

Because when you help your partner win, you both win. And, more importantly, your relationship wins!

Remember, when one of you wins, both of you lose.

But when you help your partner win, you both win.

Enjoy your Valentine’s Day.